Episode 1

I get a new place. Ash looks totes fugly - ugh - I mean tired in this one. Wardrobe provided by Donna Karen.

Episode 2

My bodyguard is responsible for everything related to my body, including moving the stuff I surround my body with.

Episode 3

Got legit sick filming this. Didn’t sleep for 48 hrs. Not cuz of drugs, you haters, b/c I’m an effing method actor.

Episode 4

I consider getting a baby. At least I think that’s what happens. It’s been a while since I read the script.

Episode 5

Bodyguard flat out refuses to be my daddy baby, so I flat out threaten to steal his sperm.

Episode 6

I’m tired of waiting around for that special someone to have a baby for me.

Episode 7

I learn never to drive drunk. Especially when driving a blimp.

Episode 8

I know to get emotional when the piano music kicks in.

Episode 9

I get acting lessons from the Academy Award-winning creep-o.

Episode 10

I decide to get a cat rather than have a baby because it’s more expensive.

Episode 11

I’m going back to college to get my The Bachelor degree.

Episode 12

Can I have an extension on that paper I have to write? I have to learn how to write.

Episode 13

I ended up getting an “F” for “F”-ort.

Episode 14

It’s just a little crush and I throw up a little every time they touch.

Episode 15

But Ashley doesn’t have nipple hair!

Episode 16

Quiet, Evil Dragon, I’m trying to write a description!

Episode 17

A date with Zac Efron? Zac Ef yes!

Episode 18

Is this about all those blimps I crashed? Because I keep telling you guys, I don’t care.

Episode 19

Do you feel lucky, Bodyguard? Are you a Luckyguard?